I’m really liking this wordpress place so far!  You can view all the stats (hit counts, links people followed, entries that were viewed) right there on your “dashboard.”  Sadly, they don’t provide the IP breakdown of visitors, which used to be quite a tell when it came to who just COULDN’T LET IT GO.  You know who you are.  Three visits a day?  Even when I didn’t write for months?  I thought I was the crazy one, but you give me a run for my money sweetheart.

Anyhow, one of my favorite things has long been checking out the “search engine terms.”  These are the terms that people put into search engines that turned up one of my entries as a result and brought them to the site.

There have long been some terms that were more popular than others, some understandably and some…not so understandably.  For example, lots of people are curious about the lyrics to Roxette, or shitty college Lit essays. That, I can understand.  Then there were…the others.  “Pearl necklace slut,” “mosquito bite boobs,” “nice looking cocks,” “meeting shemales,” “poop slave,” and the like.  The terms that made it clear to me that the advent of the internet really has been 99.9% about pornography.  And then there were the people that I wished, after I saw their search terms, that I wished I could have written an entry for to be of greater use than the (more often than not) totally unrelated entry they were directed to instead.   I mean, really think about someone sitting in the glow of their computer screen, trying to find answers to such questions…it blows my mind.

These include:

  • drunk and throwing up blood
  • how to tell he’s cheating on you
  • why does love slip away
  • respond to manipulative person
  • girls call and hang up
  • will mosquito bites give you a black eye
  • telling a friend you love them
  • how do alligators fuck
  • airport x-ray machine cannabis
  • reason for silent treatment
  • i keep on spitting and if i swallowed it make me sick is that and pregnancy sigh
  • nacho would you ever ask me out again poems

The list goes on.  Of course, I wonder how on earth I ended up as a search result for a number of these terms.  I want to ask how many links they went through before they came to a page from me.  Like, I know that “Harriet Carter vibrator” puts me at number one (and proud I am), but how many pages of search results did you comb through until you found me while looking for “gorgonzola slave,” seriously?  There’s one that turned up today though, it was pretty priceless.

exgirfriend revenge

That’s right, “exgirfriend.”  Apparently, even if you’re not exactly spot on with the spelling, google knows when to send you my way.