Very soon I’ll see someone I haven’t seen in a long long time. I know they can’t stay. I find myself thinking ahead to when they’ll be gone again and how sad it will make me. I know it’s just a way to protect myself, but I often feel frustrated by my inability to “live in the moment” the way that some people do.
Recently I decided that moving forward, when faced with the choice between half or nothing, I will choose nothing. Because I want it all, or not at all. After exercising this decision for the first time, I’m filled with a mixture of sadness and pride. Proud I set a standard for myself that I won’t compromise. Sad because a part of me still whispers, “You should have taken half!” I know that that part will eventually get tired of being ignored and leave. But until then I can’t help feeling a tiny pang of self-doubt. Like maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and taken what I could get.
You know, when I write it out like that, it looks so ridiculous that the pang goes away.
If I got paid for scaring boys away, I’d be rich. Rich enough to commission a team of scientists to build me a fearless robot boy. But I bet a robot boy would not be as fun to kiss. Especially not as fun as a Cancer. So I guess it’s kind of a moot point.