Look, blog! Twice in one day, that’s how sorry I am!

Actually, I wanted to tell you about this conversation I had with someone about internet dating. Now, you know how I love me some internet dates…but really, is there anything more painful and nerve-wracking than meeting someone for the first time knowing only that they have excellent grammar? Granted, excellent grammar is a real selling point for me…but still, it’s tough. You go on that first date and try to gather enough information to decide if you’ll have a second. Then you go on the second (maybe) and do the same thing again. And again. Both people are carefully trading hands, one card at a time. They wear poker faces, waiting for the cue that says they can just let go, fold and give it all up.

And this woman, she says, “Dating is just bartering for sex.” Now, maybe you don’t like the way that sounds, but you have to admit it’s true. There’s an implied contract. And I was thinking that maybe, to make things easier, I would just start using a real one! It might be something like…


I, ____ , agree to have intimate relations with you, ____ , in ____ (number of) dates*, provided that:

The conversation is enjoyable
Any existing scalp conditions are under treatment
You don’t smell like onions
Your use of the word “sweet” is limited
Your fear of intimacy is equal to, but not greater than, mine

Please be aware that this contract is in no way binding. In the event that it turns out you’re actually a douchebag, all accrued dates become null and void.

*A date shall consist of a meeting no less than two hours in duration (a meeting for “drinks or coffee” shall count as 1/2 date). If the date is a “movie date,” at least one hour must be spent in conversation prior to, or following, said date.

I mean, that’s just a first pass. There’d have to be clauses to allow for acceleration or extension of the terms, but really, I should probably get some work done today.