Party Trick Involving BeerFor some reason or another, this subject came up earlier today when I was chatting with Mr. X. I think it started because we were talking about eyebrows. If you’ve ever met me (and pissed me off), you know I give a mean ass eyebrow. Apparently, he can’t move his brows independently. But he can flare his nostrils.

Hm.  Beer again.I was just thinking that, aside from the eyebrows and being able to move my scalp (which actually grosses out people more than it impresses them), and picking up things with my toes, I’m kind of at a loss when it comes to party tricks. Oh, and I learned to put on lipstick using only my cleavage in my high school drama class (your tax dollars at work!), when I played Claire in our recreation of that skit from The Breakfast Club.

For this one, I think tequila.But I’d always wanted to be able to blow air through my eyelid. Or wiggle my ears, hum through my nose, pop something out of its socket. Mr. X says he can put his whole fist in his mouth. I’m not sure if I believe him. I used to be able to put both feet behind my head. But after the time I got stuck that way once for almost a minute, I stopped trying it.

EwI can’t even tell jokes. I never remember them. I screw up the punch line. I know one joke that I remember from like the 3rd grade. It’s the knock-knock joke with Banana and Orange. Ask my mom how many times I made her do that joke with me. She freakin’ hated it. Every time I started up, you could immediately hear the exasperation and exhaustion in her voice, “Banana who?”

The only thing I’ve ever been good at doing at parties is holding a drink, smoking a cigarette, and making out. And while it did the trick at 16, I don’t think that’s the kind of popularity I think I should be embracing at 26. I need some new tricks, now. I’m open to suggestions.