Allow me to start by apologizing for publishing the phrase “nasal drip” on my page. I am sorry.

All your well-wishing must have done some trick, because I am feeling significantly better today. Called in sick and slept nearly til noon. That probably helped as well.

Yesterday, someone new to the site dropped me an email in reference to my Man Rant, and 10 Ways to Impress Me. It dawned on me that I wrote this nearly TEN years ago…and that while there are still some statements that hold up, most of it has changed (for example, I prefer Diet Pepsi to Coca-cola for squirting out of my nose).

Here, now, I present the new and improved version. Man Rant 2.0 dead ahead.

Man Rant 2.0

I’m chronically dating. Probably because of my fascination with dogs as a cause. Though I’m learning how to resist the impulse when I see them on the street, I naturally feel the urge to bring starving stray mutts home and try to care for them.

It would be ideal to find someone like me, only they’d have to be a boy. And about one third as crazy. And not nearly as jealous. Come to think of it, it would be ideal to find someone who’s nothing like me.

While I appreciate “old-fashioned” romantic gestures, I’d rather have candor than candy. I understand that men are sometimes as (or more) amorous as women, but can smell a disingenuous Romeo a mile away. That’s where he should stay.

Clearly, I’m no run-of-the-mill girl. The mill would not run one this irregular. And a run-of-the-mill boy will never make it through round one. However, for the convenience of those who should try to acquire the veritable Excalibur of my admiration, I am providing a handy list.

Oh, baby!10 Ways to Really Impress Me

10. Let me win at Crazy Eights
9. Get vague ATHF References
8. Do what you say you’ll do
7. Your anaconda don’t want none, unless…
7. You like big butts, and you cannot lie
6. Sunday morning, make the laundry wait
5. Be worth cooking for
4. Make me squirt Diet Pepsi through my nose
3. Screw the Rubik’s Cube. Work on your oral.
2. Know you’re afraid
1. Admit you know you’re afraid