I thought this would be a good opportunity to post something from last year.
I acknowledge that “recycling” an entry is a shitty thing to do. And the truth is that I do have a new piece of writing that I would love to post, but it’s a little too obscene and personal for me to feel comfortable putting it up here. It is the story of a teacher I looked up to, and how that ended. Fill in the blanks.
So here is the deal. If you want the story, leave a comment saying so, or email me. Then you will receive the secret link! And now, enjoy the brutal self-loathing of…
“Helena’s Man Quiz” or “The Emotionally Retarded Woman’s Quiz for Potential Suitors”
1. When you say, “All Women are Beautiful,” you mean:
a)I adore the female form, conventional beauty means little to me.
b)Lay down so I can make sweet love to you. Then your best friend. And maybe your sister.
c)I don’t say that. Some women are pretty heinous.
2. When you say, “Yeah, I’m seeing someone, but it’s not serious,” you mean:
a)I have a girlfriend, but I’d like to get in your pants just this once and never call again.
b)I think I can do better than her. What you got?
c)I’m really not serious with her, and I’m going to be saying the same about you.
3. When you say, “I’m just not ready to get serious with anyone right now,” you mean:
a) I fear commitment.
b) I fear commitment.
c) I fear commitment.
4. When you say, “I’m an old fashioned kind of guy,” you mean:
a)I open doors and bring flowers. Maybe we can kiss on the second date.
b)I buy you dinner, you like to put out.
c)I make you think I’m a gentleman. Then I bend you over. Old-fashioned style.
5. If you want to stop seeing a girl, you:
a)Tell her you need some space, and that you’d like to take a short break (by short, you mean infinite).
b)Tell her you like her, but she just isn’t right for you.
c)Don’t tell her anything. She’ll figure it out when you stop returning her calls.
6. If you give a girl your number, and she calls two days later, you:
a)are happy to hear from her. Make a date for dinner and a movie! Hope she likes the restaurant you suggest.
b)aren’t sure of her eye color, but remember her cleavage bearing shirt. Make a date for dinner! Hope she wears another shirt like that.
c)don’t remember who she is. Make a date for drinks. Hope she’s not fat.
7. You’ve been dating a girl for two months, and she wants to take you to a family barbecue, you:
a)tell her you have previous plans, then pull out your little black book. She’s gonna be gone at least six hours!
b)feel flattered she’d ask. Nervously select a cardigan and offer to drive.
c)don’t really feel ready to spend a day with the fam. Take your own car and stay for an hour.
8. You’re about to be busted when she spies a forgotten pink toothbrush in your bathroom and asks you about it. You:
a)pick it up and tell her it’s yours; you use it to clean the toilet. Illustrate.
b)say your friend visiting from out of town must have left it over. Put it in an envelope and ship it to a fictional address in Abu Dhabi.
c)never have that problem. Bitches don’t bring toothbrushes to your house, they know the rules.
1. a)2 b)3 c)1
2. a)3 b)2 c)1
3. a)3 b)3 c)3 (duh!)
4. a)1 b)2 c)3
5. a)2 b)1 c)3
6. a)1 b)2 c)3
7. a)3 b)1 c)2
8. a)2 b)1 c)3
10-14: Too bad. You’re a Nice Guy. You say what you mean, you’re not afraid to be vulnerable, and you treat women with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, I’ll have to sabotage things within the first two weeks.
15-20: So-so. You’re a Regular Joe. You have a Nice Guy living inside of you, but make every effort to drown out his voice. Although you occasionally engage in dick-behavior, you try to do the right thing when you can. We might have a good month or two before the threat of a relationship causes us both to scurry away.
20-24: Congratulations! You’re an Absolute Pig! You’ll lie to women in order to get what you want, and feel little to no remorse after the fact. Getting yours is the number one priority. I’ll become enamored of you instantly, write tortured poetry about you, and waste on you all the goodness and charms I possess.