I love this job. So much. Since I began here, nearly all the objects of my early adolescent fantasies have been before me, in the flesh. Corey Feldman, Deborah Gibson, Jordan Knight (no link for him, he was just here for an interview for the Talking Head Retrospective Show), and now…now, Corey Haim is about to arrive. We have been warned. We have been told, That boy is crazy. We are to direct him, since he will almost certainly not know where he is going. Can it really be? It’s almost too wonderful to believe. I can imagine my dream, my ultimate dream, coming true.
Helena: Would you like more wine?
Coreys (In Unison): Yes, please.
H: I really admire your work together, you know.
CIU: Thank you, Helena. We enjoy your poems. Especially those ones you wrote about us when you were twelve. We have kept them close to our hearts all these years. We’re so honored to finally meet the girl, the woman, who so eloquently pledged her undying love to us. We also liked the scratch and sniff stickers you included.
H: Oh, it was nothing.
CIU: Don’t be so humble. You are extremely talented! And beautiful. And, in fact, we must admit that…we’ve been admiring you from afar for some time now.
CIU: Really. Helena, we know this is sudden, and extremely unorthodox…but, would you consider becoming…Mrs. Haim-Feldman?
H: I’m not sure there’s even a state where that’s legal–
CIU: We don’t care. We want you. We need you. Come away with us this very night, and be our woman always.
H: Well…aren’t you married, Corey Feldman?
CIU: All others will be forsaken.
H: Since you put it that way…
And we live happily ever after.