Well, I found a place to live! It is on Rose Avenue on the first block from the Beach in Venice! I’m pretty excited. Notice I called it a “place” and not an “apartment.” It’s just a glorified box. But it’s MY box! There’s a full kitchen, full bathroom (with a beautiful claw-foot tub!), and the notion of a closet. But it’s MY notion! On a related note, any recommendations on good sofa beds would be appreciated.

Week two on the job was a short one due to the Holiday, so it was pretty uneventful. And this week is shaping up to be the same. Most people are out of the office. However, Nutjobs don’t take Holidays. They’re on the job, 24/7, 365 days a year. Here are some of my favorite conversations from the past two weeks. I should preface this by saying that I really do only have a directory by last name to assist our callers, but that the so-called hotlines are really just extensions to voice mail boxes that interns occassionally listen to and empty. I’m in italics, the nutjobs aren’t.

Me and Michael, We’re Tight!
Good afternoon, [Name of Cable Music Channel Here] Networks.
Can I have Michael Jackson’s phone number?
I’m sorry, I don’t have Michael Jackson’s phone number.

LA Games
Good Afternoon, [Name of Cable Music Channel Here] Networks.
Hi, can I please speak to someone in Programming?
I’m sorry, my directory is only by last name, not by department.
But I’m calling from Germany!
I wish I could help you.
I don’t want to play any of your stupid little LA Games, I just want to talk to someone about a very good idea I have!
I’m sure it’s a wonderful idea. Would you like our Pitch Hotline?
Have a great day!

Apologies and Retractions
Good Afternoon, [Name of Cable Music Channel Here] Networks
Yeah, hi, can I get the number for [Name of Cable Music Channel Here] Networks?
This is the general [Name of Cable Music Channel Here] Networks reception
‘Cos I watched this show, and I want to talk to someone about it.
Well, I’m not sure who you need to speak with. Unfortunately, my directory is…
I don’t remember the show’s name.
As I was saying, my directory is only by last name
Well, do you have anything under “Boss of [Name of Cable Music Channel Here]”?
[female laughing and snorting loudly in the background]
Sorry, no. I have a Programming Complaint Hotline
Well, it’s definitely a complaint, because the show, it was this thing on the top hundred bands of all time, and KISS was on it, and they were only number FIVE can you believe it?
[more snorting]
Would you like the hotline?
Yeah I want the hotline! This is outrageous!